Don't Let Stress Do the Thinking

In this episode, we're talking about the "dirty lens" we all carry into parenting—the thoughts and assumptions that color how we see our kids and ourselves. Stress has a funny way of smudging the glass. Suddenly your curious toddler looks "defiant," your emotional tween seems "dramatic," and you're convinced you're failing at this whole parenting thing.

The good news? You don't have to believe everything your stressed brain tells you.

We'll explore how our thinking shapes our stress, how stress shapes our parenting, and why renewing our minds isn't just good theology—it's good parenting. Together we'll learn to recognize the dirty lens, wipe it clean with God's truth, and see our children (and ourselves) with fresh eyes.

CDC Milestone Tracker App: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones-app/index.html

BabySparks - Developmental Tracker & Online Learning for Parents: https://babysparks.com/

Harvard's Center for the Developing Child: Three Core Concepts in Early Development: https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/videos/three-core-concepts-in-early-development/

Building Social-Emotional Skills at Home: https://www.naeyc.org/our-work/families/building-social-emotional-skills-at-home

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Welcome to the Whole Person Parenting Podcast. We're here to have honest conversations about how to follow Jesus and parent kids in a whole person way. For more content and encouragement as we support you on your journey, you can find us on Instagram, YouTube, and wherever you get your podcasts. We're so glad you're here. Now let's jump in. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Whole Person Parenting Podcast. Um, we're so thankful that you guys are here today. Yes. Um and if you're watching, you probably noticed that we are in a new space. We are not um in our house any longer.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Yes, we've been let out of the house.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

We've been let out of the house and uh now we're on the move. So uh yeah, we are in a new space. We're super grateful for it. Um I feel like this will be good. Me too.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

I'm very excited. It's not probably like if you're watching this and you're like, hmm, don't know about this, it's a work in progress. We also don't know about it. And so it's under construction. Under construction, but we want to make sure that we gave you all an episode this week, and so we didn't we're just letting that go. Yeah, we're just letting it go. And it's it's not the end of the world. So it's and you know, P you can have people over when your house is a little torn up, and I think that's kind of what we're doing.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Yeah, that's what I feel like. It's it's just like having you guys over into our house, and yeah. It's just right now we're paying in the painting process, basically.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Yeah, we're in the we're in the end of construction.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Under construction zone. Yeah. So yeah, and we don't have to stress about that. And we don't have to stress about that. We're good.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

It's good.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Which is actually what we're that wasn't planned.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

That wasn't planned. Exactly. This is actually what we're talking about today. We wanted to talk about parental stress.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Yeah. Parental stress. So yeah, that is Tell us what that is. That is a fancy way. Oh my. You're getting very profish because we have a new space, maybe because this is a good thing. I feel like a new person. Yeah. I'm a new podcaster. We're a new podcaster. She's reinventing herself, folks, right before our eyes. Um tell us more. Parental stress. It's just like, you know, the stress we carry as parents. Yeah. And um, yeah, and with with the parenting process and and maybe alongside of it, because I was I was just thinking, like, we have all kinds of different, you know, stressors in our lives. It could be, you know, uh financial, it could be work-related, it could be interpersonal stress, it could be marital stress, like um, but then you have stress that actually comes from parenting, um, which can be sometimes hard for people to talk about. So um we're gonna talk about it today. Yep. Anyway, even though it's maybe hard. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Do you feel like you get have parental stress often or yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

As a matter of fact. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Okay. She's like, that was a ready answer.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Yeah, all the time. Every time I talk to you. Not every time. Not every time.

SPEAKER_02 3:01

I think not every time. Just most times. I just think like it's just part of parenting. But I think we don't talk about as much because it feels wrong to be stressed about your kids. Yeah, maybe. Like, well, for one thing, you may, you know, not always, but a lot of times we're choosing to have children. Um You're like, I chose this. Yeah, you chose to. Why am I stressed about it? Um, yeah, I really wanted it, and so why am I stressed about it? Like, or and so there can be some like guilt over feeling stressed about parenting. Um, and then like I think when we're whenever we're like, especially in our world, I imagine this has happened for ages though, like even in communities where the comparison stuff comes up, and it's like, well, she seems like you know, she's got like a gaggle of children, and she seems like totally fine. And like how why I have like two and I'm in a yeah, and I'm gonna cut my hair out. Yeah. And the truth probably is that she's also stressed.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

She's also stressed. I mean stressed at different points. Yeah. And I feel like there's probably different what like ways that you can be stressed. You can be stressed about your kids' future, or you can be stressed just about the day-to-day stuff of like why aren't they putting up their clothes or like even just like normal, just random, uh mundane, like day-to-day things. Yeah. Or stressed about getting them to practice on time or things like that.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

Like just the stuff that happens that comes up only because you have, you know, a child in your care, children in your care. And so, um, yeah. So it's yeah, I think that's a good point that you have maybe seasons of stress, um, and then you have like you have things that are kind of uh coinciding with other types of stress in your life. And so, and I think that does matter because, you know, like I think whenever parents are feeling stressed about what's going on with their children, it is a it is a useful question to ask, like, is this really about um what's going on with my child right now? Right. Or is this something is this reside with my child? Does this reside in our relationship or does this reside with me? And so I think, and if it's with you, it's gonna can probably gonna contribute to the relationship. Um, but you want to try to differentiate like which like what type of um what type of stress it is, where it's coming from, because then you can know how to combat it, how to intervene with it, um, whether it's on your end, whether it's supporting your child in something or doing something that is in support of the relationship. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

So identifying where the stress is coming from is like important.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

Yeah, I definitely think so.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

So would you say that like if the parent is stressed or uh they are like consistently having like a lot of stress, would you say that there's like certain ways of of thinking that are playing into that? Of of like maybe like mental patterns that like oh yeah, people have to that'll affect the stress.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

Like the impact it's yeah, the impact or cause it. Yeah. I mean, yes, I definitely think so. I mean, so we kind of we kind of all have um to varying degrees, sometimes whenever you're dealing with a lot of anxiety in a general sense, like you may have more of these um than other people who maybe don't deal so much with anxiety. But um, yeah, I think the what comes to my mind are the cognitive distortions, and that's just like a fancy way of of like saying, like, I've got some errors in my thinking, I've got some like distorted views.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Um you like to come back to. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

Yeah, and so then I'm seeing things through um a lens that may not be accurate. Yeah. Yes. We love when we do that. It's so funny. It is funny. Okay, sorry about that.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

We like to we we speak the same way. That's part of the that's part of our relationship.

SPEAKER_02 7:02

It's part of our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

We have the same vocal. Like intonation and things that we say.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

Like words that we use.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

We always say yeah after yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

As to affirm ourselves. I like it. It's better than discounting ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Yeah, no, I think it's funny. We did that the other day too, where we were opening the garage or something, and I don't even remember what we said, but it was like word for word, we said at the same time, and you're just like in the same way.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

I know, and we're just like yeah. So I did the same thing with my sister. This is like a total side note from what we're talking about, but he did the same thing with my sister, so I wonder if like all three of us were together, if if we would all do the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

I would think it'd be interesting to see. No, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

I was gonna say it too, and I said okay instead. Because I knew you're about to say it anyway. Okay, again, we digress, we apologize.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Um well, as you're talking about the cognitive distortions too, I'm like, there was a couple coming to my mind that I already deal with and that like you could probably name better, but because we've talked about it like in the past where you've been like, hey, I'm seeing like this way of thinking that you and I've had friends that have the same, like, and then they'll bring it up and oh I I see that from our our conversations um of of different things. And so I feel like for me, like I usually tend to default to like an all or nothing kind of kind of de uh kind of kind of be this way or this way, and there's no in between, there's no criteria.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

It's either gonna be all good or it's gonna be all bad.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

I feel like the Lord has really worked with me on that. I feel like it was definitely worse whenever I was younger. Um, but it's still I like every once in a while, especially if I get stressed. I feel like stress is almost like a it brings it out of you. And it's like this, this uh it's like a response to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

It's like this, these like distorted ways of thinking are a response to stress because it's like our body's going into like not like fight or fight mode, but it's like a like it is it is something like maybe similar to that, just like this the stress response within the body, like maybe cortisol levels rising, you know, and like trigger this default to um, you know, maybe it's self-blame, maybe it's like tending to see the negative in things and like dismissing the point. Name all of them. Like what are some of these ways? There's a lot of different ways. I'll try to remember. So some like some like high, like I guess highlights are key, are ones like you're talking about, like the all or nothing thinking, black or white thinking, black or white thinking, mental filtering, which would be like what I was just saying about like positive, like f dismissing the positive, and only focusing on the positive and mostly focusing on the negative or or being only to able to see the negative aspect of something catastrophizing, which that sounds like kind of like what it is. What it is. Yeah, you just catastrophize everything. Yeah, that you think like, oh, the end of the world, the most possible thing is gonna happen. And um, and then one that we talked about a little earlier was uh was like the should. And I feel like for me, that is that is the one that has always been the hardest one for me. Like I do okay with like not seeing things in black and white for the most part. Like I usually can find a like a third, fourth, fifth option. Like, you know, that it's there's other ways to think of it, but I will fall into the trap of um like shoulding, you know, too much. Yeah. And like I should be able to. I know as I said, I was like, this sounds like a dirty word. This sounds like a bad word, but it's not shoulding. Stop shouldding. Sorry, this is a Christian podcast. We should not.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

I think it's funny.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

We should not. See, I just did it.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

We should.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

Yeah. But like, yeah, so where I'm I'm saying, like, if something gets overwhelming or I start feeling stressed, then I will be like, you know, I should be able to handle this. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

And and then I could I've gone some through something like this before.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

It should be easy or it should I should I yeah, I like typically this is fine. Or I'm in the comparison where if they can do it, I should be able to. Yeah. Whenever I'm not even really probably seeing the full picture of whatever they're dealing with or going through, and I have no idea. Um, I'm just making a lot of assumptions. Yeah. And um and and then believing based on which is another one. So like it's like emotional.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

I was about to say that emotional filtering or something like that. Or if you feel an emotion, it's like it becomes truth to you.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Yeah, you think you're because you feel it, it means it's true. Yeah, and so that's not true. Yeah, it's it's not always true. And and so like, you know, these different things come up, and and then when we bring this like when we have this in a general sense, it's going to start showing up in different parts of our lives. So maybe, maybe before you were a parent, you still had these things, but whenever it comes into when parenting starts happening and you start caring for kids, then maybe you're looking at their behavior in an all or nothing way, or maybe you're looking at um like or catastrophizing, like because they are, you know, dealing with this thing right now, it means that like forever they're gonna have this problem, or like we and we discount that they're gonna grow up, that they're gonna keep developing, that their brain's not developed yet. And so we'll start thinking um like the absolute worst possible can scenario, and then we start behaving out of those distorted ways of thinking.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Yeah, which is the which is the the dangerous part, I feel like is I mean, the thoughts are they're and they're manageable, but if you start acting on these these different ways of thinking, it can both harm you and your child's relationship and I feel like harm yourself in the long run.

SPEAKER_02 13:01

Yeah, yeah. Cause then you're uh yeah, if you're operating like a distorted way of thinking, then you're it's going to set you up for harder relationships. Yeah. Um, and that's even relationship to yourself and your relationship with God and your relationship with your children, your spouse, you know, it like friendships, even it it can really take over. And whenever we're not submitting those distorted ways of thinking to the Lord and and being like, help me to clear up where I'm not seeing things correctly.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yeah, I feel like it's almost like a it's like a it's like a mental confusion, like these distorted things. And like the God is not the author of confusion. And so that's like how usually how I am able to tell, like if I just start feeling like my brain is like muddled, I'm like, this is not from the Lord, which means therefore it needs to be submitted to the Lord. Yeah. And like He was He did not design us to live out of confusion or chaos. Like He He He He brings order to chaos. He brings order to chaos, and that's like part of his character, yes, yeah. And so I think it's important to remember that, especially whenever you're dealing with it, that like these these thinking patterns like can only be fixed by submitting it to the Lord. It can't it's not out of our own willpower or our own strength.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, there there are there are ways. So I will say, like, if I was gonna argue with that point, um, from like a psychological perspective, and I say, well, okay, we could do cognitive behavioral therapy and we could work on those thinking errors and those distortions, we could see where did those, you know, what underlying beliefs are present, we could challenge those beliefs, um, we could identify when they showed up in our lives, we could process whatever might be unprocessed, and all of that can be true, but then what? So when we if we resolve all of those things, now what are we putting our mind on? You know, are we then are we just putting our mind on ourselves?

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Are we just putting our mind on yeah, on constantly trying not to do those things?

SPEAKER_02 15:05

Right. Do they become the focal point to avoid this? Yeah, like what else do we do?

SPEAKER_01 15:10

And then is it then then does it become I'm avoiding everything and it's like an avoidance pattern. Maybe, yeah. You know, there's just like a lot of different things.

SPEAKER_02 15:17

Yeah, but whenever you, you know, I I do consider like any time that we're helping people kind of clear things out, then I think it's important, like what are we replacing that with?

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Um, are we just gonna go to a different, a different sort of um dysfunctional way of living? Um, because we might be able to resolve one dysfunction, but if the root of the the dysfunction from a Christian perspective, we look at that as the root of dysfunction is sin in the world, um, is deception. Um and uh you know the goal would be like to steal, kill, and destroy. You know, the goal of the enemy would would be that. And so if that's always the goal, which I believe it is always the goal, um, because that's part of you know Satan's character is that that's who he is, that's what he does.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Yeah, he will he will do everything in his power to get you away from what the Lord designed you for.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

Then just clearing up the distortion alone is not enough. Um, and so while those are helpful tools, absolutely, like I'm gonna say all day like those are helpful tools and that and that we should challenge those kinds of thoughts, but also can we be empowered by the Holy Spirit in the process? Can we follow the voice of God to what is he leading me to? If he's leading me out of this, then he's it's because he's leading me towards something because that's just how he works. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Yeah, I was I was thinking about um just like especially what you can fill your mind with instead. And like the invitation from the Lord is from is to like set your side mind on like things that are good. Like it says in Philippians or says finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there are any things of excellence, or if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Yeah. And as you're thinking as you're reading that, I was thinking about it's like um one of the ways that like all um coach parents on is to like look for if you're in a negative pattern with your child, then like looking for ways to praise. And it says literally, uh, if there's anything worthy of things, worthy praise and does, you know, think about those things. Think about those things. And and so it is a way to also combat how that's showing up in your child's life, because maybe you maybe you've been able to conquer it for yourself, but then what if it re-emerges in this relationship and what that might mean for them if they are, you know, if you are holding a perspective that is, you know, something catastrophic is gonna be happening with them if they don't do, you know, fill in the blank. Um, or if they continue this way, does that mean that um I don't know, life is over? Or if I'm having anxiety about something my child's doing, does that mean it's true just because I have anxiety? And so what whatever it is that I'm carrying, like I'm carrying into the relationship with my kids. And so um, you know, turning that and pivoting that and intentionally being like, okay, I'm going to stop focusing on the negative so much, I'm gonna start focusing on the positive and and I'm gonna trust God with that he's working like a process through this, and um, because he says, like the word says this is what we ought to do. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

That's really good. Yeah, I mean, with what you're talking about too, is like um like getting stuck in the present and not remembering that there is a there is a greater thing to be revealed to us, like always, and that like we are we are ascending from glory to glory in by the Holy Spirit and through our relationship with Jesus, and so are our children. So like those I feel like that's one of the things that you can think of is like one of those things that is true and lovely and and pure, and it's like that's one of the things to think about is this is not this is not the end, that there is a better day coming where like every knee will bow, every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord. Um I was just reminded um like of this encouragement from Second Corinthians in uh chapter four, it says verse sixteen, it says, So we do not lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. And so, like, this is this this this life that we're living, like the only thing that will carry on into eternity is the things that are shared with Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Like, yeah, those are the things that he cares about and not these moments day to day necessarily, like but I mean the encouragement there is like if we bring if we allow God to work in every aspect of our life, then we're working in eternal things and not in those temporary or transient things, like that translation says. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

I was thinking too about just the the scripture where it's talking about um oh it's right here. Awesome. Okay, it's it's Ephesians 5, verse uh 25, and it's talking it's talking to husbands and wives, um, which we would love to do a thing on eventually, but um it's talking about how the Lord sanctifies us and how the Lord washes us with his word. Um and it says, uh, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. And like this is the the day-to-day sanctification that the Lord provides. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

Um and is available and is available to us through the word.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

And so, like, he is he is refining us with the word. And um again, like it's it's looking at these eternal things that are that are. We can't see right now, but that the Lord is is bringing us to him, like he is bringing us to him through his word, and saying that he presents us to him without spot or blemish or wrinkle. Yeah. And like that we like these these which I think of like these stress and these ways of thinking and these these hard things that happen in our lives that as these these spots, like these things that I feel like, even though we know we are covered by the blood, can feel like a dirtiness or a or a yeah, yeah, like a dirt.

SPEAKER_02 22:34

Well, and I think about I've I actually when we were thinking about this episode, what came to my mind was like a dirty lens.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Yeah. Um yeah, a dirty lens. Like we're seeing things through like a kaleidoscope of like grossness. And yeah, it's just I just don't think it feels good for anyone. Like no. I don't I I think like I feel like in these moments where I am stressed and where I am falling into these ways of thinking, it feels like, and I feel like all of us experience this. This is not this is not the way that God designed this, and this is not the way that I don't think I think he wants better for me.

SPEAKER_02 23:11

I don't have to live like this.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Yeah, I don't have to live like this. He wants better for me. And I just feel like the word promises that he does have better for us, and that we are we are clean, and that uh everything that he is called clean is not common, you know? And so like when we feel uh almost unspecial out of these these ways of thinking or reminded that maybe the Lord isn't isn't as faithful as I thought he would be because I'm still doing this, I'm still thinking this. But the promise of eternity and the promise of the blood is that we are brought near to him. Yeah. And that he bring is brought near to us. He brings us.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Um, and and not one that's full of distortion. So it's yeah, it makes me grateful for the word. Yeah, it makes me very grateful.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Yeah. I just think I just I'm like convicted even now. I just think there is nothing that we could say that is better than the word. No. And so if you were to never listen to this podcast ever again, yeah, and only look at your word, yeah, we would be happy. Like there's so much, there's so much better. This is life, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:39

Yeah, it's to it's for giving life.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

And and it says that it says that in the beginning the word was with God and the word was God, and and so Jesus is the word, you know?

SPEAKER_02 24:53

And so He is the way, He is the way and the truth and the life, yeah. Yeah. So good. So yeah, so if um I want to encourage parents uh today, like if you are having, like if you are struggling with um distorted ways of thinking, and you can see how this plays into your relationship with your kids, um, there, you know, I want to encourage you that you can um, you know, take captive those thoughts, like the word says that you can take captive those thoughts that are coming.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

And yeah, where the spirit of the Lord is, there's freedom.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

Yeah, yeah. You don't have to continue to live out of this, to live in this. And it's you know, I would encourage you to make it about more than just stopping thinking like this, but to start to focus on the things that God gives us to focus on, and let that be life to your family and life to your children and to yourselves and to those around you in your community, um, because there's just so much more life in uh when we can when we can change the this way of thinking, and we can look at things that are you know eternal, not temporary.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Yeah.

unknown 26:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

I would love to just pray for those parents. Yeah, go for it. And then we can we can close out. All right, Lord. Um, I thank you for everyone who's listening right now. I pray that you would um continue to sanctify them, continue to bring them closer to you, Lord, because we know you are so faithful to do so. Um, I pray that any bondage that any parents are facing, um, that they would be freed in the name of Jesus, that by your stripes we are healed, Lord, and that uh you have freed us from uh the bondage of sin, the bondage of of uh just a burden of of our thoughts, of our own ways of thinking that can that can paralyze us, Lord. And that you you are not called us, you have not called us to be paralyzed or or in bondage, Lord, but you've called us by your name, by your blood in freedom. Um that we we have a new a new calling in the name of Jesus, that we are not uh led by our flesh any longer, but we are led by your spirit, Lord, and we thank you for the gift of your spirit, Lord. We thank you for the gift of your blood that covers all. Um we thank you for your presence. Thank you for being so near to us that you have never left us nor forsaken us, Lord, and we thank you for that. Um we love you, we praise your name in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. All right, all right. Thank you guys for uh watching and and or listening, and um, we hope that this was encouraging.

SPEAKER_02 27:40

Yes. All right, and we will we'll see. We actually have a new series coming soon. We do have a new series. If you don't follow us on Instagram, pop on there. What's the name of that new series? Uh Becoming a Parent.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

Becoming a Parent. So we have a new series coming out. Um, probably looking for that at the beginning of August. Yeah. Hopefully. Coming up soon. Yeah. Coming up soon. So make sure to stay tuned and we're gonna have some fun special guests on. It's gonna be great, and uh I'm excited.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

Me too. All right. So we will see you then.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

All right, bye.

SPEAKER_02 28:12

Bye.