Becoming a Parent: The Journey I Imagine

Becoming a parent is more than bringing a baby home—it's the beginning of becoming someone new.

In this kickoff episode, we're introducing a brand-new series exploring the six stages of parenting and how our role as parents grows and changes right alongside our children. Valerie shares her own story of becoming a parent—the expectations, the surprises, the ways God has shaped her through motherhood, and why parenting is as much about our own transformation as it is our children's.

Whether you're expecting your first baby, in the thick of diapers, or simply wondering why parenting feels like it's constantly changing, this series will help you see the journey with fresh eyes. Join us as we explore what it means to become the parent God is forming you to be—one stage at a time.

CDC Milestone Tracker App: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones-app/index.html

BabySparks - Developmental Tracker & Online Learning for Parents: https://babysparks.com/

Harvard's Center for the Developing Child: Three Core Concepts in Early Development: https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/videos/three-core-concepts-in-early-development/

Building Social-Emotional Skills at Home: https://www.naeyc.org/our-work/families/building-social-emotional-skills-at-home

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Welcome to the Whole Person Parenting Podcast. We're here to have honest conversations about how to follow Jesus and parent kids in a whole person way. For more content and encouragement, as we support you on your journey, you can find us on Instagram, YouTube, and wherever you get your podcasts. We're so glad you're here. Now let's jump in. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Whole Person Parenting Podcast. Um, we're so thankful that you guys are here today. Um we are beginning a new series today. Um, called Becoming a Parent. And if you've been listening to the podcast for a while now, or if like this is your first time, uh we love to just talk and have conversation about uh parenthood, childhood, um, all things development, um and we relationship. Yeah, relationships um and talk about just like how we believe that the Lord designed those things and um his intended purpose for them and how we can operate in that.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

So yeah, so good.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

Yeah, we're excited to talk about this today and yeah, excited to get into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Um so yeah, we're just gonna treat this more of like an intro episode. So like why is this important? Why is it important that we're talking about this?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Frame the frame the conversation that's gonna be going on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Yeah, so we're gonna as we're diving through like the six stages of parenting, uh, we're just kind of exploring it. So we thought we'd use this episode as just like kind of a intro ease into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

So yeah, set the stage. Set the stage. Speaking, speaking of the setting the stage, what they well, the our viewers, those of you who are are watching us go through the difficult process. Still the process of transitioning. Setting up our new space. This is our newest look.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

New tapestry thing that we have in the background.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Tapestry thing in the background. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

This is like we're also back in the other corner.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Yeah, we're in the other corner against the other wall. It's it's been a thing. Um, so thank thank you for being patient with us for whatever this has been looking like.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

Looking like, yeah. Who knows?

SPEAKER_01 2:18

It's not been the best look. We know this.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

It's been I'm pretty sure last week we were like editing it and like randomly the camera kept going out of focus. And we were like, well, we already recorded it. Like there's nothing we can do.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Yeah, this is what we do.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

I don't know. It just would randomly go out of focus. So hopefully that doesn't happen again.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

I feel like it being perfect would be like off-brand for us. For us, yeah. So because we're definitely not, and um, but yeah, so like if anyone else out there has um attempted a podcast, I I know you feel our pain. And for those of you who might be thinking about it, just remember this. It's painful.

SPEAKER_02 2:58

Okay. Aspects of it that are like it's just like oh wow, that's it's definitely been a learning curve for sure.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

It's definitely been a learning curve. So as most things are learning curves. Uh even talking about parenting. Parenting is a learning curve, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

And that's why um we like as we were talking about it, we were like, there is like we've gone through our series, Are We There Yet? talking about the developmental stages of childhood. Yeah. Um, but there's the same amount of development that happens as a parent. Like, I don't think anyone would say that they're the same parent that they were whenever they first started. Like it's you're developing. Um, and there's like actually like defined like psych psychological uh stages to that that have been defined. Yes, yeah. Um and we just thought it'd be cool to go through them and you're a counselor, so yeah, you know study psychology and study psychology and so you know these stages.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Yeah. So yeah, we're gonna talk about those things. Um so yeah, I was thinking about like the the becoming a parent. Well, we'll get farther into this um next time, but like can you remember the first time you thought about becoming a parent?

SPEAKER_02 4:14

I don't think I could remember it. I'm sure it was probably early on, because like you know, you always see kids like have the drawings of like mom, dad, and like kid. I don't know. I feel like well, cause I remember too, like if we were ever like playing in school, it was always you're playing like your mom or you're playing a dad and like a little baby and like a kid, you know, like you're always wanting to play like a family stuff. Yeah, it's like plant family stuff. And I'm actually babysitting this girl right now, and she loves to be like, All right, I'm the mom and you're the little baby. Or or I'm the mom and the baby's sick, and I have to I have to read to the baby and keep and let her know what and let her know when it's morning and make her breakfast. And so uh like even seeing she's four, and so like seeing how um she's already she's already thinking about like being a parent. Yes, and not even being like, I want to have the baby right now. It's just like I think it I think she thinks it's exciting, like to think about being a mom. And she loves her mom, and so she's like, I want to be a mom too, you know. And so I feel like really early on we all kind of have some sort of um recognition that one day we're gonna be a parent. Um I've I feel like I've encountered very few people who have been like, I've never wanted children, you know, like yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Uh I mean it's fine. If it's fine if you're not people don't want children, but like at least the thoughts have been in their mind and they've you know entertained it, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Yeah. And so we see like everyone one like probably at one point like thinks about being a parent, wants to be a parent, but I feel like that's very different than actually being a parent. And so um that's true again where the development comes in, you know. And so um I feel like there isn't even even a stage of just like the ideal, and like probably what even if they're uh, you know, just or married or they're pregnant, they have this ideal of what being a parent is gonna be like. Um that may be really accurate if they uh like maybe had or maybe are like afraid of being a parent, you know what I'm saying? Like it might not it might be closer to what it actually is, or like maybe they just have like a more realistic view. But there's also a lot of people who are like I think seeing it as like like they know in theory that there's gonna be trial trials, but like mostly it's gonna be like this like picture perfect kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Yeah, I think people come into parenting um or wanting to be a parent some like for varied reasons. I think sometimes we we we send tend to like the idea of um you know having having the opportunity to to caregive for someone, um, to nurture a baby and um see them grow up. We might uh you know, sometimes people will want to have a child because maybe their childhood wasn't the best. Oh, bless you. I think so. Maybe their childhood wasn't the best and it was um yeah, maybe like maybe they're seeking some kind of like corrective kind of experience where um they're able to care for and love that child in a way that they wish they would have received. Um some people will feel like, you know, I have a lot to offer. I have a lot to um, maybe I have a lot to offer in terms of love and and care. Maybe I have um the means to take care of uh children. And so that brings me into parenthood and um and this doesn't always mean it's bringing to mind it doesn't always mean to be a parent is not always to give birth to a child and to have a baby. We've got, I mean, you know, obviously the dads are not giving birth, but then also we have, you know, people who choose to be parents um, you know, by adoption, um, or you know, the there are many different ways that we can become even like uh caregivers for children.

SPEAKER_02 8:26

Yeah, I think I I also came in mind of like I I know definitely I like heard of people like just like out of love for their spouse too. Like, oh yeah, you know, I just want to create something with you.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

With you, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:40

Um, which isn't you know the best way if like you're not actually wanting a kid.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Like you know what I'm saying? Right. I mean there's something there's that's problematic. We talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

I think it's also like a sweet sentiment if you're like actually wanting to like do this with your spouse and like yeah, yeah, do it together and like that's like a right.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

It just probably needs to evolve into something that is that's also a love for the child and not just for the um the caregiver or the parents. So yeah, so lots of different lots of different reasons.

SPEAKER_02 9:15

Um okay, so whenever now now this is making me think, and so like whenever you first became a parent or were even thinking about becoming a parent, um, like what was your like expectations? Um, you know, what were your hopes and dreams? Just kidding.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

My hopes and dreams about parents.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

Or just like maybe like there was like a a shocking reality, or like why do you want to become a parent? I mean Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

I think so. I think there was an aspect of it that was like it was the next thing to do.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Um, it was like, you know, we you get married and after a while you have kids. Yeah. And um to be honest, I think that that was a big part of it. Um, which I don't think is the best reason to have kids.

SPEAKER_03 10:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Um, but what that meant was I had to try to I had to try to get to the city. This is the next thing along the way. And but I, you know, it's like I I don't know that I I don't think I'm alone in that that was kind of my mindset, you know, because it was like you become an adult, you know, you go to school, you get a career, um, you get married, you have children. And like I knew that that was like a life that I wanted. I knew that I wanted to have kids, and so it was kind of it just felt like we were kind of settling. And it was time. Um, and it was time. Yeah. And I was getting, you know, I wasn't old by any means, but I was getting older because I didn't have you till I was 27.

SPEAKER_03 10:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

And that's not old at all, but um at the time it was and in you know, in the church world, that tends to be like on the later side. Yes. A lot of people have children starting very early a lot younger. Yeah. And so, um, but we had been married for yeah, like four or so years.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

Like about five years by the time I had you, and um, and now But you guys had always like prioritized or you've like what you've told me and Braden too is like you guys made it a priority to just be married for a while.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Yeah, we did.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Yeah, and so that was I think a good call. And like something that I'm like me and Brayden have talked about is like we both want to do the same thing. Like we'll talk about it and married for a little bit. We want to be married for a little bit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Um and we um but so we had the we had the benefit of it being, you know, um something that was like we could choose because it was an option for us, and I know it's not an option for everyone. Um, it was something, you know, it was not difficult. I did not have to go through fertility problems and things like that. And so um I didn't, you don't kind of don't know how long it's gonna take, and I didn't know if I was gonna have any issues, and so um, you know, but basically when we decided to get pregnant, we did get pregnant. So there was no like it was no waiting, yeah. Yeah, there was no waiting period between like, let's, you know, let's uh let's try for a baby. But then um there was like it was like almost immediately. Immediately, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

There was no waiting. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like that's something we'll definitely address in the series is like in becoming a parent, there can be a lot of disappointment.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Oh yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Of just waiting and waiting and waiting.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

And just this process in and of itself can be extremely difficult, extremely disappointing. Yeah. I've had lots of friends and uh even family members who struggle with infertility, um, and that is a very painful um process um because there is a longing and um you know, and so sometimes especially whenever you have people in your life who you know that this is a desire of theirs and it's not happening for them, that can be really that can be hard too to hold both that I dream and wish for a child and that's happening for me and I really, really feel for and um I you know feel sad for and ha share that longing with my friend or with my family member that they would have. That they would also have a child.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's a very real like yeah desire. And like I feel like that's something that like is really special about like being a part of the body is that we're able to like celebrate victories together and hopefully and grieve losses together. Um I feel like if we're operating as we're sh we should be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Um and sensitive, compassionate the way that it feels toward toward us, you know. Um because there is something about there's something about the fact that we're made to to um procreate, uh, and then when that's not working, when that's like not in order, um, like that things are not working like they should be working, how difficult that is, and how much people will feel like I feel like like like a stranger to your body a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Yeah, like how like my body betraying me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Yeah, it's it's not functioning in the way that it should. Um should. And so, but like the way that God made it. So it can be that can be really, really challenging. But um back to your question, I think um for me it was like I'm getting older. I'm we wanted to, you know, did not dad for some exam for for sure did not want to be an old dad. He had like fears about being an old dad and not being able to do things with uh with you guys and so I know it was a big deal for him. He just kept wanting to be an old dad. He was upset he was 29. He was gonna be in his 30s whenever he had you know Brayden. And um, but I know, yeah, it was a real it was a real issue. And um, and so but I definitely think it's it's um it's just hard to imagine the long haul. I I had I had thoughts about I thought I would be a good teenage teenager mom. But you have been man, but I thought it was gonna be hard on fun. Oh it's been at this moment. It is fun, but it's a lot more hard than fun at times. And um so I thought that would be fun, and then I was gonna be because we'd worked with teenagers so much that I was like, oh, teenagers gonna be how the teenager is gonna be.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

But you were like the baby part, and you were like, no.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

And and I was excited about the baby. I was excited about having the baby and like caring for the baby, but I also was not excited about not sleeping, and that continued to be a theme of having difficulty with sleeping. Um, because especially with you, bless your heart, you had a hard time sleeping sleeping, yes. And um you just woke up a lot, and so and yeah, anyway, it was it just definitely disrupted my sleep. And so I think for me, it was just like really trying to shed the selfishness in my life. And I was just, I think, a very selfish person before I had kids, and I don't think that went away immediately. I think it was like it's been a long process of, and I think like a pruning process that's happened through parenting that um I don't know for me like another way that would have happened.

SPEAKER_03 17:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Um, so I think about like how my I think my spiritual life has has um developed, you know, kind of parallel even to my parenting journey in life. And um yeah, so anyway.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Yeah, so it sounds like you've been through all different stages of of being a parent and um like kind of having to adjust to like your what your expectations were and versus like reality and so yeah, and that's a lot of what the stages of parenting that we're gonna talk about um is gonna involve is that like that negotiation.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Um and so uh yeah, really, really having to shed what your expectations and hopes are so that you can understand and know your child like who they who God created them to be versus like God's not giving us children to um just have them be just an extension of ourselves, for instance. Like that that He we're they're meant to be um their own. Yeah, they're meant and they're meant to be disciples. They're meant to they're they're gonna have a a unique um calling, set of giftings. They're gonna have a uh God's gonna have a plan and purpose for their life that is different than you, like beyond you and and apart from you. And um, and so there's yeah, there's a process to that, and um that I think God's super faithful to us in if we are you know obedient and we're we're able to follow him in the process. Um but it's yeah, it's it's got it's definitely got its challenges. And I think that's why we're talking about it is because um I think it's it can seem like okay, I'm becoming a parent. It's what I was made to do, and like, you know, my body was created for this, like for either, you know, impregnating or being pregnant, or my um my instincts were created for parenting, even if I, you know, I'm not giving birth. And so, um, or you know, procreating myself and I'm you know becoming a parent for another child. Like there's something about that that seems like it should be innate that we do well. And so I think that's that can be like a source of shame and regret and pain for people when it is not isn't doesn't go smoothly.

SPEAKER_03 19:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

And I mean that I I see that all the time in my counseling practice where um the you've got, you know, difficulties between the parent and the child, but so much of it has to do with the child not meeting the parents' expectations or their needs, um, what they were hoping to get from parenting, um, working even with adults or adult parents, you know, having things that were unresolved from their own childhood experience of being parented. Um, it's a really big deal. It's a lifelong, it's a lifelong um journey. Yeah, journey and lifelong implications for whether that goes well or not. Yeah. Um, and whether or not we can reconcile these things and try to make it, you know, do our best to make things right and being obedient, you know, to where God's leading us as parents. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

I was just thinking, I had the thought come to mind again of just the I know we've talked about this before, but like uh a child being like a seed that the Lord has sown in our lives. Um, and like what kind of ground is it gonna fall on? Yeah. And so um if and this is kind of what you were talking, like you're you probably with like the selfishness, your heart was one of the the thorny ones or the that was gonna come up and choke the seed, you know. Yeah. Um and so I kind of just thinking about that and like um asking the Lord to to search your heart and search, yeah, search you, and it's going to be, I think, something that like not even just parents, we all have to do often, you know, in order to see. And like our hope for this series isn't so much that it feels like a checklist that like, okay, I've hit I've hit that stage, I've hit that stage, I've hit that stage. Um, although you should be developing through the stages, you know. Yeah. But um that it feels more like uh like an encouragement and like a Better understanding of like God's design for parenting instead of like okay, so I've been doing this wrong the whole time or anything like that. That's not discouraging, but that it's encouraging.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Yeah, and even knowing that like what I'm experiencing as a parent is normal.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

Normal, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Because we sometimes we, you know, because we've hoped for this child, we pray for this child, we or these children, we've um, you know, been expectant, and then finally, you know, we have we have what we've been asking for, and then it doesn't feel great, or it feels really challenging, or it's bringing out things in you, uh, you know, a way of being that's like not honoring God or not, you know, and not honoring that parent-child relationship um well. And so then then that can be feeling very, very isolated because we tend to look at parenting on a very, I think as a society, like on a very surface level, you know, like what's the nursery look like? And what are you gonna how are you gonna dress them? What sports are you gonna put them in? Yeah. And where do you want to send them to school? And um, have they learned their ABCs and one, two, threes? You know, are they reading before they go to kindergarten? You know, like all of these, like these things that it's like if you're a good parent, then it means you've done these things and this is what your life looks like and your child's life looks like. Um, and then all of the the things that are really happening internally and are happening between the real between you and your child's relationship are um you know maybe difficult and uncomfortable or challenging and and there's not a lot of space for talking about those deeper and um more challenging aspects of parenting.

SPEAKER_02 23:51

And so this will be the space.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

This will be the space and we're gonna give you some space to think about it, to talk about it, to feel like um, yeah, like to be, you know, um, to like have somebody acknowledging what you might be going through as a parent or what you might have already been through. There might be you may be a little farther along the line, but or down the line, but then you realize like maybe I didn't really work through that stage the way that I needed to, and maybe it's you know, it's never too late. Maybe I need to think on that some more. Um yeah. And I'd like to give, I was thinking about this too, like um, as you're kind of preparing for these episodes. I would like to um give you guys some um maybe some like prompts for like reflection yourself um on on each of these kind of stages um of parenting so that we can think a little more deeply about that and it's it's only gonna benefit um your children, your relationship with God and yeah, the relationship between you guys.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

That's really good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

So we're excited to get into this series next week, two weeks. Yeah. Um, yeah, we're excited. So hiana. Like we're excited. Sorry, yeah. We're excited. We are excited. We're smiling. It just doesn't sound like it in my voice. It's funny. We are ex we are we're excited. We're excited. I am a robot.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

We're excited. Yeah, we are. Okay. We've said excited way too many times. Way too many times. Yeah, we need to get out of here. Yeah. All right, let's close it up. All right.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

Um, um, thank you guys for watching. Um listening. And listening. Uh make sure to follow us on Instagram to find out when we drop episodes um every second one or every other Monday.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Yeah, every other Monday.

SPEAKER_02 25:56

Um, we drop episodes, and so make sure to follow us. Uh subscribe on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. And uh yeah, we'll see you guys soon. Bye. Bye.